Adoption 101

     Since we are moving forward again, I figured that I should explain some of the terms that I have used and will be using in the months to come.  I sometimes forget that I am talking to people who have never before had a window into this process.  Maybe it's just the teacher in me, but I figured that breaking the terms down would make our blog a little easier to follow.  There are a lot of new terms that come with the adoption process, and these are the most important and/or most frequently used:

• Adoptive Parents - that's us.
• Birthmother - the woman who gives birth to the child we will adopt.
• Homestudy - this is when a social worker from the adoption agency (or in some cases the state) comes into our home to make sure that it is a safe environment for the child.  Since we are using Florida Baptist Children's Homes, our homestudy will be broken into three parts.  In addition to checking out our home, the social worker will discuss our childhood, relationships, planned parenting style, plans for child care, desired openness of the adoption, and in our case, our faith.  They want to know everything about us so that they can make sure that we are fit to parent a child and to assist them in making the right match for us. This process can be expedited if we are matched quickly, but without a need to expedite it, it will take two to three months to complete.
• Open Adoption - this describes an adoption in which the involved individuals will have access to information about one another.  The level of openness is up to the individuals involved.  It could be completely open, in which case, the adoptive parents are comfortable with the child maintaining a relationship with the birthmother.  It could be as simple as the adoptive parents sending pictures and/or letters to the birthmother once a year.  The terms of an open adoption will look different for each adoption.  This is a more recent way of doing adoptions, and it has proved to be more beneficial.  This allows the child to have important information and contact information about his/her biological family if he/she should need it or want it in the future. It makes the transition less traumatic for the birthmother as well. Ryan and I have agreed to sending letters and pictures once a year if the birthmother wants that.  Our last name and contact information will remain confidential.  All communication will be directed through the adoption agency to keep the information confidential.  This is the level of openness that we are currently comfortable with.  Some birthmothers will not request any openness at all.  In the homestudy, they will use this information to pair us with the right birthmother.
• Closed Adoption -  No information is shared.  This was very common in the past when adoption was seen as a big secret.  This caused harm to children as they tried to figure out who they were. It cast a negative light on adoptions.  This is almost never done anymore.  If a child is adopted through the state (parental rights have already been terminated) then the adoption would be closed.  Florida is technically a closed adoption state, which means that any agreement to openness that is made between the birthmother and adoptive parents is not legally binding.
• Termination of Parental Rights - Both the biological mother and father must sign over their rights to a child before the child can be adopted.  Every effort must be made to identify and find the biological father, so that he can't come back later and say that he wants custody of the child.  Birthmothers are required to wait 72 hours (or until they leave the hospital, whatever comes first) before they can sign away their parental rights.  This allows them enough time to be fully aware of their decision and gives them the opportunity to change their mind. 
• Private Adoption - this is an adoption in which the adoptive parents are paired with a birthmother and will be adopting the newborn baby.  All other adoptions remove children from the state system, which means that parental rights were terminated before there was a waiting adoptive family.
• Placement - we get to take the baby home!  However, the child is considered to be technically in the custody of the state at this point.  This is the limbo period between when the birthmother has terminated her rights and when the child legally becomes part of our family.  Despite the legality of the situation, the child will be living at home with us during the time between placement and finalization.
• Post Placement Visits - the social worker comes to check on the adoptive parents and the child to make sure that everyone is transitioning well.  The social worker must do this about three times before finalization.
• Finalization - we go before a judge in court and the baby officially becomes part of our family for good.

I know this was a lot of information, but hopefully this will help as you follow our journey.  It can be confusing if it seems like we are speaking another language.  Some of these terms can also be misleading.  Without understanding them, you might get excited for us prematurely.  Once you know them, it makes the process a little less intimidating.
   

Finally!

     It has been awhile since I have posted any updates.  I have spent the last two months getting very frustrated by the seemingly unnecessary wait we were having to endure.  I knew when we started the adoption process that it wouldn't be fast and it wouldn't be easy.  I knew that I might have to wait for a birthmother to be found, wait for homestudy paperwork to be completed, or wait for a court date to finalize our adoption.  But waiting two months for a "yes" or "no" answer was not something I was prepared to put up with.  After all of our paperwork was in, our classes were complete, and we had made some adjustments to our finances, everything was ready for the stamp of approval.  This seemed simple enough to me.  After sending an email asking the approval lady to review our file and give us the green light, I waited for a month. A MONTH! I didn't even get an email acknowledging that my email had been received.  Still trying to be patient and understanding, I sent another one.  Nothing.  So I called and left a message.  At this point I was feeling a bit like a stalker, but I was getting too aggravated to care.  I finally got an email that briefly stated, "Send me a copy of your pay stub".  So I did.  Two more weeks of nothing went by.  So, I sent a second pay stub.  This time, I attached a note that said, "This is the second pay stub that I have sent.  I would really like to move forward with our adoption process.  I would really appreciate it if you could give me an answer one way or the other by the end of this week.  Thank you."  I had an email in my inbox that night promising to have an answer by the end of the week.  The end of the week came and I got an email saying that she had a few more questions for me and that I should call her on Monday.  What else could she possibly want to know? My blood type?  My dental records?  So, I called on Monday, answered her question about our plans for childcare, and ... GOT THE "OFFICIAL" APPROVAL!!! Even though I feel like two months of my life have been needlessly wasted, we are both very excited to be out of limbo and moving forward. 
     Two months may not seem like much, but if you have ever had to wait five years for something that was more important to you than anything else in the world, you might understand.  Those five years have gone by one agonizing month at a time.  This was another two months.  And, I know that there are several months ahead of me.  Having someone with an "approved" stamp decide my fate when it comes to having children, and having no choice but to wait on that person has poured salt into some wounds that are still trying to heal.  I believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God has always wanted us to adopt.  However, that doesn't make this process seem any less unfair.  No one grills the single sixteen year old who just gave birth after accidentally getting pregnant.  She doesn't have to give a full report of her financial situation or wait for approval to take the child home.  It is unfair that unfit parents get to keep having children, only to create a more screwed up society.  It is unfair that abortions are covered while infertility is not.  It is unfair that a person would be selfish enough to terminate the life inside of them when there are so many people who would do anything to carry their burden.  I have not been blessed with the normal decision making power to decide when I will have children.  As if that was not enough, I now have to seek someone else's approval and jump through every hoop that they tell me to with a smile on my face.  So, while it might seem like a measly two months, it was a very long and frustrating two months for me.
     The next step in our journey is the homestudy.  The lady who does the homestudies is pretty booked through the month of August, so ours will start near the beginning of September.  This works out perfectly (there goes God and His perfect timing again) because the lease on our townhouse is up on August 31st.  If we started the homestudy where we are now, they would have to do an addendum when we move.  That would just mean more paperwork.  So over the next month we will be trying to focus on our fundraising.  Our homestudy will cost $1500.  Once we are matched with a birthmother, which could be at any time during or after our homestudy, we will owe almost $7,000 on top of that.  So, this month we will be trying to put together a garage sale, an online auction, selling more Snelling Adoption merchandise from our blog, and I will be applying for any aid that I can find (yay, more paperwork).  Hopefully this will keep my mind and hands busy, while reassuring me that God is going to provide the funds needed to bring our baby home. We are actually moving forward now, so stay tuned!

God in the Details

     Since starting this process, I have been amazed at how God has shown His hand in the details.  It has been reassuring actually.  It is easier to know that you are in His will, and that He is taking care of things, when you can see Him in the journey.  We have bigger steps that are yet to come, but I wanted to share how God has been with us so far.
     In the fall of 2010 Ryan began talking with a guy at work (who he had worked with for over 3yrs) and discovered that they had a lot in common.  This seems like an everday situation, but Ryan had actually been praying, for years, for a close Christian friend who would challenge him in his walk with God.  I think that those friends are harder for guys to find than they are for women. He would often become frustrated that he had not yet connected with anyone like this.  So, when Ryan met Justin it was a huge answer to prayer.  It turns out this was also an answer to prayer for Justin.  Shortly after, I met Justin's wife, Rachel.  It turns out that they had being trying to start a family for several years and had struggled with infertility as well. 
Meanwhile, after some conversations with some people at church (those "out of the blue", "coincedental" kind) I had started thinking about looking into adoption again.  I had begun to pray about it because I felt like God was starting to lead me in that direction, but I wasn't quite sure yet.  The memories of my previous frustating experiences were not yet forgotten.  I had not mentioned this prodding feeling to Ryan yet.  I figured that I would wait to be sure it was where God was leading me first, before stressing him out.  Our finances were very tight during my teaching intership in the fall.  I had to quit my paying job in order to finish my degree.  It wasn't the best time to mention that I think God is calling us to adopt. 
     After a conversation with Justin, Ryan came home and told me that Justin was kind of stressed because Rachel wanted to start the adoption process.  Really God?  So, I told Ryan that I had been feeling like God was leading me in that direction as well. He was for it, but he wanted to wait until I had a full time teaching job and life was more comfortable.  After all, that would make a lot more sense that looking into adoption while you are in the middle of an unpaid internship, right? 
     I spent the next several months researching adoption agencies, grants, and interest free loans.  I shared the information with Ryan along the way. In the meantime, Justin and Rachel had started their adoption process with an agency in Tampa.  I had looked at the same agency once before.  After tallking to Rachel, and looking a little more, we had pretty much decided that we were going to go with the same agency.  Our adoption would have cost about $28,000.  However, that did not include the $1500 homestudy, the $750 application fee, or the cost of the post placement visits.  We knew that this entire process would be a huge lesson in learning to completely trust God.  It might as well start with the cost.  As Justin put it, "God never orders something He can't pay for". 
    By the time we thought we were sure about which agency we wanted to go with, Justin and Rachel had been paired with a birthmother.  Their little girl was due in February.  It was such an encouragement to us to be able to walk with them through their adoption journey, and to see the ways that God worked along the way.  God knew we needed this as we prepared to take such a huge leap of faith.
     About this time, my dad informed me that our governor had appointed someone new to be the head of the Department of Children and Families for our state.  This man had been the president of Florida Baptist Children's Homes prior to his new position.  Florida Baptist who?  I had not come across their name in my search for adoption agencies.  But, then again, I hadn't searched for children's homes.  So, I looked into the children's home and it looked very promising.  I found out that they work with the state system and with pregnancy centers to place children in Christian families.  Their view of adoption is that it is a ministry.  I also found out that the maximum amount a family would pay for an adoption would be $15,000.  This included the homestudy, the application fee, and the post placement visits.  God was already answering prayer in regards to the financial burden this was going to be.  The headquarters of Florida Baptist Children's Homes was in Lakeland, which was only about an hour and a half a way.  Ryan and I went to an orientation one evening.  At the end, he told me this was the place.  He had a peace.  There was a small problem though.  We would both have to attend a 10 week parenting class to get started.  This wouldn't have been a problem if it wasn't for Ryan's schedule as a firefigher.  He doesn't work the same days every week, but the classes are the same day every week.  He knew that he could take a four hour leave from work, but if we had to drive an hour and a half both ways, he wouldn't have enough time for the three hour long class.  And, the classes were only offered certain times of the year.  It could be some time before we could get started.  If this was the case, why would God have started us on this journey now?  He is not usually one to give a heads up on His plans.  Well, it just so happened that a class was going to be starting that month at church right down the street from where we live.  That was close enough that Ryan could take his four hour leave from work and still have time for the class.  I guess God doesn't overlook the details.
     Several weeks into the class, we met the teacher's husband.  It just so happened that he was a friend we had not seen in a couple of years.  When we had last seen him, he wasn't exactly walking with God.  He had just recently gotten his life on track and had quite a testimony to share.  While that didn't directly impact our adoption, God was allowing us to see His hand at work.  He was showing us that there isn't anything He can't do.  There is nothing that He can't perfectly orchestrate.  What a powerful message and a great encouragement.
     We are now finished with our class and we are waiting on the "official" approval of our application.  I have a job lined up for the summer (since substitute teachers don't get paid when the kids aren't there).  Ryan was able to trade in his truck to significantly lower his monthly payment.  God is working out the details one at a time.  Justin and Rachel have finalized the adoption of a beautiful baby girl, and they have become very involved in our journey.  God has blessed us so much in just six months time.  Letting go used to stress me out and scare me to death.  I like being in control.  But when I see the awesome things that God can do, and is doing, I just want to sit back and enjoy the ride.  My fear has been replaced with excitement.  I can't wait to see what God is going to do next.

How It All Started

Ryan and I have been married for five years. We battled infertility for about four and half years. When we were dating we had discussed that one day we would like to adopt a child.  We didn't realize at the time what journey God had in store for us in the future. During the four and half years that we battled infertility, I fought with God and sometimes my husband. I went through times when I felt that I lived in constant heartache.  Life was not fair. About two years into our struggle I began researching adoption.  I did this off and on for a couple of years, but each time I looked I became overwhelmed by the cost and the process. I completed my B.S. in Elementary Education in December of 2010. By that time I had learned that I had no other choice but to sit back and trust God. I was just a passenger on the roller coaster that God was steering. I could protest and worry, but it wouldn't change a thing.  I just became used to the idea that I wasn't going to see where the next turn or drop was going to happen, but it would work out anyway.  A couple of months into my final internship, Ryan and I had decided to look into adoption again. This time it was not out of frustration, but out of a peace and a calling. God was guiding us to adoption at this time for a reason that is all His own. He placed friendships and circumstances in our lives that all pointed to adoption. Though we had no idea where the resources were coming from, we decided to take a leap of faith and begin the process that we knew God was calling us to. After several months of praying and researching agencies, we finally decided on Florida Baptist Children's Home.  This blog details our journey through this scary, stressful, exciting, and ultimately rewarding process.

We Have Shirts!

Thanks to my super creative (and wonderfully persistent) friend Rachel, we have some really awesome looking (yes, I'm biased) shirts in the theme of this blog. They are available in adult and children's sizes.  We even have onsies! Check out the slide show to get a look at the design.  The money from the shirts will help us pay for the next steps in the adoption process. Thanks for being part of our journey.  Please know how much Ryan and I both appreciate your support.  Whether through prayer, a listening ear, the hours you give making a screen printer work, the one t-shirt you buy, the word of encouragement you offer, or the one donation you make - you make a difference to us and our future child.  Thank you!