Adoption 101

     Since we are moving forward again, I figured that I should explain some of the terms that I have used and will be using in the months to come.  I sometimes forget that I am talking to people who have never before had a window into this process.  Maybe it's just the teacher in me, but I figured that breaking the terms down would make our blog a little easier to follow.  There are a lot of new terms that come with the adoption process, and these are the most important and/or most frequently used:

• Adoptive Parents - that's us.
• Birthmother - the woman who gives birth to the child we will adopt.
• Homestudy - this is when a social worker from the adoption agency (or in some cases the state) comes into our home to make sure that it is a safe environment for the child.  Since we are using Florida Baptist Children's Homes, our homestudy will be broken into three parts.  In addition to checking out our home, the social worker will discuss our childhood, relationships, planned parenting style, plans for child care, desired openness of the adoption, and in our case, our faith.  They want to know everything about us so that they can make sure that we are fit to parent a child and to assist them in making the right match for us. This process can be expedited if we are matched quickly, but without a need to expedite it, it will take two to three months to complete.
• Open Adoption - this describes an adoption in which the involved individuals will have access to information about one another.  The level of openness is up to the individuals involved.  It could be completely open, in which case, the adoptive parents are comfortable with the child maintaining a relationship with the birthmother.  It could be as simple as the adoptive parents sending pictures and/or letters to the birthmother once a year.  The terms of an open adoption will look different for each adoption.  This is a more recent way of doing adoptions, and it has proved to be more beneficial.  This allows the child to have important information and contact information about his/her biological family if he/she should need it or want it in the future. It makes the transition less traumatic for the birthmother as well. Ryan and I have agreed to sending letters and pictures once a year if the birthmother wants that.  Our last name and contact information will remain confidential.  All communication will be directed through the adoption agency to keep the information confidential.  This is the level of openness that we are currently comfortable with.  Some birthmothers will not request any openness at all.  In the homestudy, they will use this information to pair us with the right birthmother.
• Closed Adoption -  No information is shared.  This was very common in the past when adoption was seen as a big secret.  This caused harm to children as they tried to figure out who they were. It cast a negative light on adoptions.  This is almost never done anymore.  If a child is adopted through the state (parental rights have already been terminated) then the adoption would be closed.  Florida is technically a closed adoption state, which means that any agreement to openness that is made between the birthmother and adoptive parents is not legally binding.
• Termination of Parental Rights - Both the biological mother and father must sign over their rights to a child before the child can be adopted.  Every effort must be made to identify and find the biological father, so that he can't come back later and say that he wants custody of the child.  Birthmothers are required to wait 72 hours (or until they leave the hospital, whatever comes first) before they can sign away their parental rights.  This allows them enough time to be fully aware of their decision and gives them the opportunity to change their mind. 
• Private Adoption - this is an adoption in which the adoptive parents are paired with a birthmother and will be adopting the newborn baby.  All other adoptions remove children from the state system, which means that parental rights were terminated before there was a waiting adoptive family.
• Placement - we get to take the baby home!  However, the child is considered to be technically in the custody of the state at this point.  This is the limbo period between when the birthmother has terminated her rights and when the child legally becomes part of our family.  Despite the legality of the situation, the child will be living at home with us during the time between placement and finalization.
• Post Placement Visits - the social worker comes to check on the adoptive parents and the child to make sure that everyone is transitioning well.  The social worker must do this about three times before finalization.
• Finalization - we go before a judge in court and the baby officially becomes part of our family for good.

I know this was a lot of information, but hopefully this will help as you follow our journey.  It can be confusing if it seems like we are speaking another language.  Some of these terms can also be misleading.  Without understanding them, you might get excited for us prematurely.  Once you know them, it makes the process a little less intimidating.
   

Finally!

     It has been awhile since I have posted any updates.  I have spent the last two months getting very frustrated by the seemingly unnecessary wait we were having to endure.  I knew when we started the adoption process that it wouldn't be fast and it wouldn't be easy.  I knew that I might have to wait for a birthmother to be found, wait for homestudy paperwork to be completed, or wait for a court date to finalize our adoption.  But waiting two months for a "yes" or "no" answer was not something I was prepared to put up with.  After all of our paperwork was in, our classes were complete, and we had made some adjustments to our finances, everything was ready for the stamp of approval.  This seemed simple enough to me.  After sending an email asking the approval lady to review our file and give us the green light, I waited for a month. A MONTH! I didn't even get an email acknowledging that my email had been received.  Still trying to be patient and understanding, I sent another one.  Nothing.  So I called and left a message.  At this point I was feeling a bit like a stalker, but I was getting too aggravated to care.  I finally got an email that briefly stated, "Send me a copy of your pay stub".  So I did.  Two more weeks of nothing went by.  So, I sent a second pay stub.  This time, I attached a note that said, "This is the second pay stub that I have sent.  I would really like to move forward with our adoption process.  I would really appreciate it if you could give me an answer one way or the other by the end of this week.  Thank you."  I had an email in my inbox that night promising to have an answer by the end of the week.  The end of the week came and I got an email saying that she had a few more questions for me and that I should call her on Monday.  What else could she possibly want to know? My blood type?  My dental records?  So, I called on Monday, answered her question about our plans for childcare, and ... GOT THE "OFFICIAL" APPROVAL!!! Even though I feel like two months of my life have been needlessly wasted, we are both very excited to be out of limbo and moving forward. 
     Two months may not seem like much, but if you have ever had to wait five years for something that was more important to you than anything else in the world, you might understand.  Those five years have gone by one agonizing month at a time.  This was another two months.  And, I know that there are several months ahead of me.  Having someone with an "approved" stamp decide my fate when it comes to having children, and having no choice but to wait on that person has poured salt into some wounds that are still trying to heal.  I believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God has always wanted us to adopt.  However, that doesn't make this process seem any less unfair.  No one grills the single sixteen year old who just gave birth after accidentally getting pregnant.  She doesn't have to give a full report of her financial situation or wait for approval to take the child home.  It is unfair that unfit parents get to keep having children, only to create a more screwed up society.  It is unfair that abortions are covered while infertility is not.  It is unfair that a person would be selfish enough to terminate the life inside of them when there are so many people who would do anything to carry their burden.  I have not been blessed with the normal decision making power to decide when I will have children.  As if that was not enough, I now have to seek someone else's approval and jump through every hoop that they tell me to with a smile on my face.  So, while it might seem like a measly two months, it was a very long and frustrating two months for me.
     The next step in our journey is the homestudy.  The lady who does the homestudies is pretty booked through the month of August, so ours will start near the beginning of September.  This works out perfectly (there goes God and His perfect timing again) because the lease on our townhouse is up on August 31st.  If we started the homestudy where we are now, they would have to do an addendum when we move.  That would just mean more paperwork.  So over the next month we will be trying to focus on our fundraising.  Our homestudy will cost $1500.  Once we are matched with a birthmother, which could be at any time during or after our homestudy, we will owe almost $7,000 on top of that.  So, this month we will be trying to put together a garage sale, an online auction, selling more Snelling Adoption merchandise from our blog, and I will be applying for any aid that I can find (yay, more paperwork).  Hopefully this will keep my mind and hands busy, while reassuring me that God is going to provide the funds needed to bring our baby home. We are actually moving forward now, so stay tuned!